Caitlin sat at her kitchen counter, pen poised, staring at the page in front of her. She had written Shopping List for 30^th Birthday Bash as a heading. But her mind was a blank.

“I don’t want a party,” she said out loud.

With a deep sigh, she threw the pen down and stretched. Her mind was racing, her heart swelling, her stomach cramping. She knew what she wanted for her birthday. Not a party. Not a present. Just. A baby.

Saturday morning was going so slowly. The kitchen was already neat as a pin, the smell of fresh washing wafted up into her nostrils from the laundry. Lemon with a hint of vanilla.

Her fridge, with its display of baby photos seemed to mock her. Her niece was adorable, chubby-cheeked, dimpled hands and cheeks, looking like a baby from an expensive kids clothing catalogue. More money than sense, her husband Matt said of her sister.

The kitchen clock still showed it was 10.30am. Time had stood still. Matt would be home in an hour.

She paced. It’s now or never. When he comes home, I’m going to force him to talk about it. She poured a glass of water, her hand shaking. She downed it, trying to relieve the dryness in her mouth.

She was at the front door as soon as she heard the growl of Matt’s van outside. She watched him pull into his parking spot.

He looked tired and angry, a scowl on his face as he jammed on the handbrake and jumped down from his plumber’s van.

Caitlin put on a big smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Hi honey!”

But he didn’t even look her way. The sliding door of the van roared as he flung it open. He turned his back to her and rummaged around in the boxes of tools that rattled around in the back.

Her heart sank. She had to tread carefully with him. His favourite cottage pie was warming in the oven. He would be desperate for a beer. It could wait. Now was not the right time.

She could hear swearing in the bedroom. She peered in. Matt was flinging neatly ironed and folded clothes out of the wardrobe on to the floor.

He swung around to her, “For fuck’s sake Caitlin, where’s my black polo shirt?”

Her throat tightened.

“Can’t you just bloody put my washing where it’s meant to be!” Matt sank on to the bed and began to take off his steel-capped boots, flinging a cushion across the room. “God, I hate these ridiculous cushions.”

A stab of anger flared inside her. Anger because she worked so hard to make their home perfect, anger because he didn’t appreciate her, but mostly anger because she needed him to be calm and happy. She couldn’t bring up the subject of the baby with him like this. She breathed in deeply. The black polo shirt was where she had put it, with his other shirts in the second drawer. She handed it him.

Shoes and socks off, Matt pulled his sweaty work shirt off over his head, continuing on his theme, “You’re always tidying up, moving things around so I can’t find them.” He looked her in the eye now, as if finally noticing her. She handed him the clean shirt.

He grunted, and started unbuttoning his belt. He patted the bed beside him. Caitlin froze and took a step backwards.

“Lunch is ready,” she said. “It will get cold.”

His eyes narrowed. “C’mon babe. A quickie before lunch. How about it?”

She shook her head. She didn’t want a quickie.

“FineIf you’d just loosen up, stop being such a frigid bitch, we’d both be a lot happier”.

Something snapped inside her. “You’re such an arsehole!” Tears stung her eyes. “I HATE YOU!”

Matt swigged his beer and wiped his mouth with the back of his hairy hand. Caitlin was clearing the dishes from the kitchen counter.

“So, the big three oh, huh! Only days away”. His voice was nasty.

“That’s right honey,” Caitlin sat down and took his hand.  “I’ll be 30 very soon. My clock is ticking. And you know what I want for my birthday don’t you”.

He shot her a dark look. “Don’t you bring that up again Caitlin. Just don’t even go there. We’re not ready. I’m just building up my business. We’re still young. We can’t afford….”

She slammed her palm down on the table and held his gaze, defiant. “I AM going there, damnit! You know how I desperately want a baby. Stop being so selfish all the time. Think about my needs, my wants”. Her eyes flashed, now that she had started, she wasn’t going to stop. “I’m so lonely. I hate my life. I don’t think you even like me anymore, let alone love me. A baby could …”

“ – Shut up!” Matt slammed down his beer.

“I won’t” They were standing now facing each other. Caitlin holding her ground, standing tall, chin lifted to meet his eyes.

“We’re either having a baby, or I’m leaving.”

Caitlin sat on the deck of her parents’ rural property. The morning sun made the still-dewy blades of grass glitter like diamonds. Noisy miner birds twittered in the bottlebrushes. A kangaroo bounded across the distant horizon.

She sipped her coffee, inhaled the fresh clean air tinged with the sweet smell of jasmine. She laid her hands to rest on her bulging stomach. The muscles in her neck and back felt relaxed for the first time in so long, and she felt tears pricking her eyes. Tears of happiness.  

She felt the now-familiar movement under her fingers – like little bubbles bursting inside her.

“We’ll be ok, little one”, she said, stroking her firm round bump. “We’ll be just fine”.