My third day in New Caledonia started with a papaya with a squeeze of lime, thanks to the market in Noumea. That was all we had left in our supplies. There was no morning coffee.

Thus, our first mission of the day was to find caffeine. And a little place in Bourail called Sweet Café made us happy with cappuccinos and croissants.

We were learning that although places to eat were scarce, a petrol station was the place to go for freshly baked baguettes – every day, everywhere, without fail – as well as groceries, hardware, clothing, you name it. A petrol station was where it was at.

We began an interesting drive over the spine of the island to our next destination. Hotel Koulnoue Village near Hienghene (pronounced something like High-ying-ging). We stopped the car once or twice along the way to pee in the bush, and I even went for a swim in a river, and got rather muddy. Luckily I had a spare bottle of water in the car to clean up my dirty feet.

The other side of the island was even greener and lusher with massive creeping vines, countless creeks and rivers, and banana and papaya trees galore. As we drove, we caught glimpses of people’s houses, very basic shacks, often with a long driveway with green lawns and a car or two, sometimes a wrecked car. Each house, or farm, or gite had a little wooden stall or a simple table and umbrella near the road, sometimes with things for sale, like a bunch of green bananas, coconuts, grapefruit, but oddly, more usually pot plants, and even more usually – nothing!

Okay, it was not tourist season. But I suspected, even in tourist season, there would not be much for sale. In fact, it became clear that the locals, the Kanak people, didn’t rely on tourists, nor did they seem to care about them at all. They were indifferent. Which was refreshing but also confusing. I soon realised there was nothing to buy! Hardly any souvenirs once you left Noumea. My idea to buy a bikini! Forget it! Want to buy a goggle mask or any swimming gear? Want a tour of the reef? Or any other kind of tour? Forget it.

Clearly New Caledonia was for tourists going out to the islands for scuba diving and snorkelling, us folk on the main island self-drive had to fend for themselves.

When we hit the coast and turned left towards Hienghene we were blown away by the stunning scenes as we wound our way on roads sided by huge ferns and lush vegetation with coves and inlets with calm, deserted beaches.

We stopped at some picnic tables on a grassy lookout point and had a lunch of baguette, salami, cheese and chips, washed down by a beer. (Earlier that day we had stocked up on these items at a supermarket in Bourail.)

At the base of our picnic table were massive crabs. At first we thought they were shells, but then they scuttled along with their big lumpy, craggy shells, very interested in a bag of rubbish someone had left behind.

Arriving at Koulnoue Village Hotel was like finding paradise. It was set on lush green lawns dotted with bungalows and palm trees, all a stone’s throw to a beautiful beach with sparkling ocean. When we stepped into our bungalow, the blast of cold air from the air con was delicious. The backdrop to the place was tall jagged green mountain-rocks set at an angle.

From the bed, we had a view of palm trees, green lawn and sea.

I sat a while on the wooden porch and was delighted when a little dog wandered by. I called him over and he sat with me, all friendly and cute, licked my face. I loved him! For some reason, I really needed a doggy friend and he was somewhat of a highlight of the trip thus far. Then later I read the hotel literature which warned not to encourage les chiens as they are unvaccinated and the hotel accepted no responsibility for any doggy mishap. My little boy at least had a collar, but later we met all manner of dogs, scrawny and mangy, who hung around the place. Regardless, they were friendly and good-natured. I wanted to pat them all.

I spotted a couple of red throated parrots, but otherwise the place was overrun with Indian mynahs, and there were a few starlings that swooped between the palm trees.

Once again, I tried to swim in the sea. Put on my reef shoes. This beach was extremely rocky under the water, and I felt unsteady as I attempted to get out to deeper water. I took a tumble and splashed into the water, scraping my ankle against a rock and drawing blood. I gave up and went on to the hotel pool. There were kids splashing around and some parents on loungers. I had a dip. The water was lukewarm and unrefreshing, like the seawater. Then I had one of my dizzy spells I have from time to time and lay on a lounger for ages to recover.

Later Matt and I took a stroll through the grounds. The bungalows went on for ages on the right hand side. There was an overgrown disused tennis court and basketball court, and a whole other section of different styled bungalows – all empty.

We walked back along the beach accompanied all the way by a mangy but beautiful dog. I love it when dogs take you for a walk and show you their territory.

At last, we were ready for a restaurant experience, and eagerly joined other guests at the dining area, relaxing with a cocktail beforehand. However, I had read all the reviews of Hotel Koulnoue online and knew about the buffet and how expensive it was. How you are forced to have it as there is no other option. The reviews were true. There was no other option. The $50 a head buffet was tres mal. The salads were okay and there was a big selection, but the hot food was generally not good. Who eats buffets these days? I pilfered some bread, butter and a wedge of pate, plus a couple of sausages and some slices of cakey items. Later that night I ate one of the apple slices with a cup of coffee and it was good.

Next: Day Four: Good food and a swim in the sea